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Complete Psychological Topics 1: Chapters 1-2 - Part 2

 

by Ben Huot

July 15, 2012

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2.2 Transition

2.2.1 College

Going Home

I am going home today
This home is like a dream
Away in the Army
For just over a year
I feel great excitement
And serious relief
Today is the anniversary
Of when World War 2 ended
I shall never forget today
August 15, 1997
Everything is surreal
And I do not believe
Anything is real
With the awesome release
I feel a failure
I did not serve my full tour
I did not know now
That I was mentally ill
Or that this was why
I was given a discharge
All I knew
Was my eyes burned
And I would have this condition
Indefinitely
I met people from my home church
And I heard of others
Triumphs and failures
I was introduced to a girl on the phone
Who was a few years younger than me
When we talked I realized
I had no hobbies or interests
I don’t know how it was for others
But the military life
Did not allow me time for leisure
Or maybe it was just the mind set
That I could never let my guard down
Or ever relax
I was told by my CO
That I should enroll in college
And I did so that fall

Community College

A few days
After I came back
I bought my first computer
I was going to major in business
So I bought a PC
I had saved 5,000 dollars
Of my military income
And I got 10,000 dollars
For college expenses
Because of my service
I realized that I had enough for tuition
But not enough for housing
So I stayed at my parents’ house
I did ok in calculus
I excelled in economics
But I had to take accounting
5 times to pass
I missed so many French classes
Because I was using the Internet
With the free hours from AOL
I started out researching my pink eye
But got diverted to finding
A different way to be Christian
Later on I would realize
That the answers lay in the church
I grew up in
Despite those attitudes were the ones
I was trying to escape
I didn’t study much
And slept as much as possible
As the pink eye never relented
That summer I took several required
English courses
And started my website
This was the first time
I was introduced to Postmodernism

Community College 2

I tested out of my first year in college
While still in the military
So I started out at Community College
In town as a sophomore
I had even got money from the Army
For college but the biggest financial aid
Came from not counting my parents income
Against me so I could get grants
Grants don’t have to be paid back
I had to live at home because I only
Had enough money for school
I started out with a Business Major
I took Calculus and Economics
I had a lot of trouble with Accounting
I took it 5 times before I passed it
I learned about Postmodernism
In my required English class
I hated Business but I was trying
To be practical about my major
I wasn’t able to study much
Because I was in so much pain
From the allergic pink eye

University

Not only did I have a Community College
In the town I grew up in
We also had a University
And there are several other colleges there too
Besides my business courses
I took History of Philosophy
And Chinese language course
Both these fell through
For different reasons
The philosophy course required
Weekly papers
And I missed the first
So I had to audit it
As I missed the deadline to withdraw
I stopped going as I thought
Socrates was a smart ass
In my Chinese class
I couldn’t learn as fast as they taught
So I had to drop out of it too
But I stayed in my Chinese Literature class
And I really enjoyed it
This is how I was introduced
To Chinese philosophy
That spring I had to find an apartment
And I switched to Linux
Cold turkey
After researching it for 6 months
I was trying to figure out
How to get Microsoft applications
From crashing
So I looked into programming
And all roads led to Linux
That summer I went back
To stay at my parents house
And I took summer courses again
For the credits I missed
During the school year
I took several electives
On was Existentialism
One was about Ecofeminism
I switched my major
To Journalism
Which made much more sense
As I have always been
Good at writing
I took business initially
As my dad recommended it

University 2

The next year I attended the
University in town as a Junior
I continued studying business
I took a Chinese Literature class
As my business breadth requirement
And I enjoyed it immensely
This was my first introduction
To Eastern Philosophy
I also started several other classes
But had to drop out
As I was still in so much pain
From my allergic pink eye
This was about the time
When I started my website
I had to move out that Spring
And lived in a fixed up garage
For a few months
And this was when I first
Installed Linux
After reading about it for 6 months
My motivation was to try to
Fix Microsoft Office so it would
Crash less and all programming roads
Seemed to lead to Linux
I had to attend summer school
As I didn’t complete enough courses
I took an Existentialism and an Ecofeminism
Course that summer
As that was all that was left
This was my first introduction to
Existentialism
The end of that summer I worked
At a phone survey company
Previously I had tried selling
Long distance phone service
And doing canvassing for
Our local Public Interest Research Group
I changed my major to Journalism
I took a grammar course
And a graphic design for journalists course
As well as a class in mass media
And a philosophy course about Beauvoir
Someone told me she was the lover
Of Foucault which is not true

2.2.2 Journey

Generations

Like Abraham’s call by God
So I believed I was called away
To another land
With my enlistment in the Army
Like Jacob’s wrestle with God
I started to fight with God
About why He allows suffering
During college
Like Moses liberating his people
From the land of the Pharaohs
So I was liberating from paranoia
After my stay in a psychiatric ward
Like Joshua leading his people
Into the land of Canaan
So I fought to stay as independent
And rational as possible
Like Israel under Solomon
God blessed my work and I flourished
In my writing and artwork
Then I lived like a prophet
In the wilderness of the retirement home
Fighting for justice
And feeling I lived in the shadow
Of many old people’s wrath
Now my desire for justice and freedom
Has been fulfilled with my return
To my own apartment
Like the Israelites came back to the land
After their years of captivity
Under the Assyrians, Babylonians, Persians, etc.
In my life I have lived many generations
Like being reincarnated
My situation changed each time
And my life was different at each stage

Clarity in Conviction, an Epic Poem

I am a rock crushed and beaten to dust
I am a clay jar wet with rot, pried and pulled to disfigurement
I am rushed by in shrieking winds of light
I am filled with void and darkness
I stand at the edge of human thought and reason, quivering uncontrollably
I am surrounded on each side
To the right, pain
And to the left, despair
Behind me, fear
And death alone stands before me
All was biting flames and smothering fog
Dancing and laughing sadistically
Drowning in this red hot furnace
I was bound and gagged with pure terror and relentless pain
Nothing existed but pain and terror
But for a single ray of light immortal
After eternity passed five times
I passed through the iron doors of night impenetrable
Still choking and burning on the rot and char within
Pain and not pain were all that existed
I am part of nothing
And nothing is part of me
Having rejected everything
And everything having rejected me
I am a man, a soldier
And nothing more
And madness did but all consume me
If not for many a labor of love
So once fully alone and silent still
I did let the sun shine in and heal the rot and char
Within the daily fears and petty tribulations that did haunt me
And in the midst of the multitudes busy
Did He, in the humble summer day breeze,
Find I to be wanting and unworthy
So in the cool of the day
With the entire continuum of time and space shuddering
Did my Savior present Himself
As the only worthy sacrifice
Obedient to even death, He did defeat
That which did seek to torment me most eternally
As God raised Jesus from the dead
From there I venture as a simple pilgrim, asking for directions as I go
Finding in the Word He had left me
A map to discern the directions to be trusted from that which should not be
At times outrunning my companions
And at other times standing almost completely still
I find clarity in the conviction of this truth
That God raised Jesus from the dead
And so I go ever on
As He walks humbly by my side
The living flame imperishable walking
To the pace of a mortal man
My companion, my Lord, as my real Father
He who created me is not yet finished
He turns the circle of life, the potter’s wheel
To mold my empty and disfigured thoughts into the pure and noble thoughts of His Son
Making me into the likeness of the real Son of Man
From the inside out
I am baptized in His Grace, so
That He can make me a new creation
Making me again with fresh clay and water
And filling the emptiness with His love and His peace
And now my eyes are more fully opened
And I now see the unending power and goodness of Christ within me and the truth of His Word all around me
I am no longer male or female, white or black, young or old,
But bought at the highest price and no longer my own
I now call myself after my master, Christian
He that I may serve and in so doing be free from my most eternal enemy, myself
And as the road goes ever on and on,
And I stumble along the way, from time to time
And as I return to the foot of the cross each day
And learn again why I cannot master myself
And I realize each time more and more
How amazing was that grace that saved a wretch like me

Spirits Follow

Alone in a crowd
All cramped in a tiny room
Locked in from without
All I could see is red
Shivering in torment
Like a doomed soul
Baptized in hellfire
Will they ever let me out?
Alone in my bed
All warm and well fed
A dark cloud rises from the vents
And shakes the window
My soul shivers
And I lay motionless
A wicked voice whispers
My worst fears
There is a danger that is greater than death
There is a fear greater than going mad
There are times when you wish you could hide
Under the shadow of the Lord
There is a way that you could escape
If you locate your enemy
Left hand betraying the right
Your heart revealed secrets to your mind
A dislocated soul
And a warped spiritual dimension
What sword can penetrate to the heart
Dividing the bone from the marrow?
Fighting for peace
Is a delicate struggle
When your home is booby trapped
And your foe looks like your friend
Nothing is sacred
And you are never really alone

After All These Years

The fight is still in me
And I still remember
Dreams of success
Adventure and excitement
What is easy to forget
Is the training
The pain and the struggle
To build strength of mind and body
I still focus on the result
But the process is equally important
A soldier struggles in each task
Of his necessary skills
The most important ones
Are the least glamorous
The hardest ones
He forgets easiest
The ones he never did
Are recalled most often
I can imagine parachuting
Over hostile territory
But the voice of the drill sergeant
Continues to fade over time
My protective mask
Is not my greatest defense
Now I rely on freedom of religion
And the uselessness of my work
I am still a soldier
But my pictures are my rifle
And my words are my bayonet
I am determined to build my body
To the level of my mind
But I now know
That it is equally hard
As the piles of books
I struggled to understand
There will be years of work
And I will fail for most of it
But one day
Everything will come together
And I will be stronger
To face my greatest enemy
My paranoid mind
And deluded consciousness

The Forest

My time in the forest was predestined
There was a reason for my forest years
But I was not cheated
And was not a victim of a petty game
The forest is a time of building character
And learning life lessons
I learned new ways to fight
I found weapons more powerful than a pen
The forest is filed with trials and traps
Mine were paranoid and obsessive compulsive
I feared things that are irrational
And was obsessed with the least important
I learned that play is as important as work
And that relationships with people are as important as ideas
I learned that I can survive things
Most people will never have to go through
The only way to learn is trial by fire
And the only way to live is with wisdom
God watches over me
As I am one of His children
And is ever ready especially in the deep forest
When it is common for the details to be violent
To help my character
As He writes the story of my life
With special powers I can do more good
The special power I want is to be normal
But unlike the epic hero
My forest journey is always with me
Because it is a part of who I am
And I am willing to go the distance
With my tribulations
If I can learn from each challenge
So that I suffer less each time